In this moment in time, I dare to see a small likeness to Jesus. Over the past three years, I carried the man I committed myself to in marriage as he struggled with all his illnesses. I took it up willingly, with the constant reminder of my vows – “till death do us part”. Sometimes the load was heavy and not so heavy. Sometimes, I felt like it would break my back. Sometimes, I wished I could throw it off. Sometimes, I remembered Mary riding with a big belly with no place to rest. She gave me a lot of courage to walk the road. Along the road, there were many Simeons carrying the load for me and with me; there were the Veronicas wiping my face, giving me some refreshment, but it was my load to carry. I had put my hand to the plough, I could not turn away.
Sometimes, I felt that my blood was pouring out of my body – those were the weak moments. The Scriptures became my sustenance. I could get up to a new day with new trust and hope deep inside my being. I became aware that even if I wanted to lose that hope, it would not allow me to. I had to carry on. Sometimes, when faced with scary moments, I would be directed by the Lord in my sleep,
“I bless the Lord who counsels me, even in the night, my heart exhorts me, I keep the Lord ever in my sight, with him at my side, I shall stand firm”.
For the first time in those three years, I am unable to do anything for Harold, the only man I dared to give myself to. He allowed me the space to grow and the freedom to relate to other men; there was trust between us that was sacred. He is no longer the same person, but even in his illness he provides me with the basic necessities of life. All he has given to the children is coming back to him pressed down, running over.
God is such a generous and merciful father. His Love is everlasting. He has the message of life that is beyond our understanding. All I know in this moment is that I am trying to love him with all my mind and heart and soul.
September 11, 2020